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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29113086">Bad Vibes</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merixcil/pseuds/Merixcil'>Merixcil</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Red Dwarf (UK TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anal Fingering, Bad Decisions Made While Horny, Humor, M/M, Masturbation Accidents, Overstimulation, Set around Season 7, Vibrators, When is a PWP not a PWP?</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 04:13:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,854</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29113086</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merixcil/pseuds/Merixcil</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Lister decides to interrupt Rimmer's private time to disastrous consequences</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dave Lister &amp; Arnold Rimmer, Dave Lister/Arnold Rimmer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>29</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Bad Vibes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>If he’d applied himself, Lister could have made a pretty good technician. It’s just common sense when you get down to it. Wire A goes to Port B leading to Transistor C. Lister was pretty good at common sense, even if it was boring as all get out.</p><p>The access panel on Starbug’s showers had been through several rewirings through the years to keep the shuttle from crumbling to nothing over its absurdly long lifespan. Definitely Jupiterian tech. Back on Earth they built these things with a self-destruct date on the engine, ten years to the day after they rolled off the factory line. You used to see used spaceship salesmen selling them off for fifty pence when they hit the nine years and six months mark, just so they wouldn’t have to deal with the logistical nightmare of hauling them to the scrapheap once they packed it in. You’d meet any number of lads down the pub on a Friday night who swore blind they’d worked out how to override the self-destruct sequence but they always showed up on the news a few weeks later after they’d gone and gotten themselves stuck in orbit around Neptune after the engine had packed it in after all.</p><p>Trust the JMC to fork out for the fancy shuttles that could apparently last forever if you treated them right. They’d made a pretty penny back in the day. Probably still did, accumulating imaginary interest in a bank that no longer existed.</p><p>And now Lister was trying to logic his way around Kryten’s last rewiring job to get into a locked bathroom, something the android’s programming expressly forbid him from helping with. It wasn’t like he needed a piss or anything, but Rimmer had locked himself in the showers an hour ago and that just wasn’t on. True, this was often the only place you could go on Starbug to be guaranteed a moment’s privacy but time in the shitter was at a premium for anyone who didn’t actually need to shit.</p><p>“Kryten!” Lister called out as the final wire slid into place. When he got no answer he shouted for Cat and Kris but neither came running. Shame. They would probably have enjoyed helping him barge in on Rimmer. Or at least the Cat would.</p><p>The door slid open with a groan and Lister stuck his head through, excited to catch Rimmer reading one of those girl detective books he swore blind he only hate-read, or packing Rachel away. “What are you doing in here?”</p><p>The first thing Lister noticed was the steam from the shower, then the stack of Rimmer’s very real, non-holo clothes folded neatly on top of the toilet seat. Which was weird. Even now he was hard light. Rimmer didn’t actually accumulate dirt or need to shower. His electrified skin burned it clean away and when it didn’t, Holly was best placed to take care of him. He heard Rimmer before he saw him, a slight whimper morphing into an all out groan that circled the drain between frustration and filth. Lister blinked, and the steam cleared slightly to reveal Rimmer on lying on his belly under the spray of the showers.</p><p>Aside from the pocket sized cleaning facilities in their old sleeping quarters, Red Dwarf had several large communal showers intended for use by the mining crews coming off shift. Starbug had forgone personal showers entirely and instead they made do with a truncated version of the communals. Big enough for ten people to fit comfortably, fifteen if you didn’t mind getting a little cosy. A single toilet and sink served for everyone on board, all part of the same wetroom, the two halves separated by an entirely arbitrary red line.</p><p>“Who…Lister…I-“ Rimmer hoisted himself up on unsteady arms, his whole body visibly vibrating as his mouth fell open in surprise. “Oh God.”</p><p>It looked, Lister thought, like Rimmer was having an orgasm. He opened his mouth to say as much but was interrupted by a drawn-out whine as Rimmer’s fingers scrabbled against the plastic flooring. Tension shot through his body, sending him careening backwards till he collapsed against the wall of the shower with his legs splayed wide, revealing a penis that was half hard and angry red.</p><p>Rimmer looked towards Lister, doing something with his hand that could as easily have been the middle finger or a come hither encouragement. His cheeks flushed pink, his eyes heavy. “Lister…”</p><p>The one place Kryten couldn’t accidentally barge in locked off for an hour, Rimmer squirming naked on the bathroom floor. It was a logic problem, and not a very difficult one. Lister wished he could have forgotten everything he ever learned in secondary school circuits class before he woke up that morning, blinking once, twice, as he waited for his common sense to kick in.</p><p>“Jesus.” Lister held up a hand to shield his eyes. “What the smeg? I wasn’t trying to…I thought you were just moping or something. I was gonna come wind you up.”</p><p>“Lister, pl-“ Rimmer gasped, still twitching.</p><p><em>Lister, please don’t tell anyone you saw me having a weird holo-wank. I’ll give you anything. I’ll put you on report if you breathe a word of this. Dammit, I am your superior officer! If you tell anyone about this I’ll…I’ll…I’ll tell them about the time you got drunk and mistook the B Deck coffee machine for a pleasure GELF and tried t stick your knob in it. </em>The same conversation played out every time Lister caught Rimmer doing something embarrassing. Or at least, something Rimmer considered embarrassing. Up to and including enjoying trashy comedy films in which the same actor played all the major roles. But even Lister had to admit he’d be red in the face if anyone caught him doing whatever this was. He backed out of the bathroom and reached for the switch to shut the door behind him, cursing the gods of shoddy wiring when it remained resolutely open.</p><p>“Smeg.” Lister’s hands shook with shock as he dug back into the control panel. Couldn’t even piss off his crewmates without it blowing up in his face. He’d had just about enough of being trapped on Starbug. The noises Rimmer was making echoed loud through the cargo bay, impressing on Lister the urgency of getting the door closed and then getting out of here followed quickly by vowing never to ever allow his curiosity about what Rimmer did behind closed doors to get the better of him ever again.</p><p>“Lister!”</p><p>“I’m goin’, man!” Lister screeched, no longer deploying any common sense in his manipulations of the wires in the access panel as he shoved them randomly in each other’s direction in the hope that they would arrange themselves into the right configuration to get the sodding thing closed.</p><p>“Help me, Lister! Please.” Rimmer’s voice trailed off into ao wordless scrawl that would not have been out of place in a tacky porno.</p><p>“Rimmer, I know you’re pretty inexperienced with this sex and dating stuff but even you’ve got to know that this is a very bad way to come onto someone.”</p><p>“I’m not-Smeg! I’m not tr-tr-trying to come on t-to you. I need some…help. It’s…I’m…It’s stuck.”</p><p>“You mean your light bee?” Lister paused. Once he’d taken a moment to breathe he realised he had no idea what Rimmer was doing that was making him moan like a horny school teacher. As a hologram he could work with both hard and soft light constructs, but when he’d been soft light only he’d needed Holly to provide him with a whole raft of sensory experiences. His body still functioned like a normal human though, mostly. Except for the not needing to shit thing. Lister had seen a lot of things, but he’d never seen a guy come that hard without a hand on his cock. He was pretty sure that even if Holly were around they wouldn’t stoop so low as to give Arnold Rimmer an invisible hand job.</p><p>“No.” Rimmer’s voice was quiet. “It’s not my light bee.”</p><p>“Rimmer…?” Lister levelled his voice accusingly at the open door, already sure he wasn’t going to like this answer to this unposed question.</p><p>All quiet from inside the shower, till a loud gasp cut across the water hitting the plastic flooring, punctuated by a series of squeaks that seemed to go on forever.</p><p>And on, and on. Lister’s face was carefully blank, the steam concealing his dumbstruck expression when he peered around the door towards the mirror on the opposite wall. The only semi-cohesive thought percolating behind his eyes was ‘how the hell is he doing that?’. It took Lister at least half an hour to get hard for the second time, let alone come. He’d never heard someone have an orgasm that long in his life. “No offence, man.” Lister’s mouth was dry. “But it doesn’t sound like you need my help for anythin'.”</p><p>“Please! Please, Lister…please. Can’t g-get it out.”</p><p>“I think I better go get Kryten.” Lister said, more decisively than he felt. Kryten could walk into a room containing a debauched hologram and not blush. He could save Lister from having to know the gory details of whatever it was Rimmer had gotten himself into.</p><p>“D-don’t you dare!” Rimmer retorted, shooting for stern but missing by a few factors of desperation. “Not that mechanoid…with his fingers…no.”</p><p>“Well, I’m not coming back in there when you’re like that.”</p><p>“You b-b-bloody b-better.”</p><p>“Sorry, man. Ten seconds of your come face was enough to last a lifetime.”</p><p>“Like I’ve n-never had to…to listen to you wanking in the middle of the night. Please, Lister. Don’t know how much m-more of this I can…take.”</p><p>It was pathetic, really, the sounds Rimmer was making. Lister tried headbutting the doorframe a couple of times to reset his system but it just kept going. Rimmer chanting “please, please. Oh God, please, Lister.” On repeat, stuttering every time his body was wracked by an orgasm which seemed to be every five seconds.</p><p>“If I come in there.” Lister said, slowly. “We’re not telling anybody about this. Ever. Understand.”</p><p>“Please, L-Lister. God…”</p><p>Close enough. Cautiously, Lister shuffled back into the bathroom, his eyes fixed on the fogged up mirror. It was weird, the way bathrooms amplified sound, so that what sounded like unsteady mewls from outside became raucous moans once across the threshold. Seriously. What Rimmer was dealing with was the opposite of a problem. He should just walk out of here and leave him to run himself down to the bone.</p><p>“Listen…” Lister tried for reasonable. He was going to say something about how he knew for a fact that Rimmer would never in a million years return the favour if their roles were reversed and maybe they would both be better off if he just went and got Kryten.</p><p>Then he turned to look at Rimmer. The hologram was still propped up against the wall, his head lolling forward, eyes closed and breath coming fast and shallow. He looked half dead. Taking great care not to let his eyes focus on anything south of Rimmer’s bellybutton or north of his legs, Lister went over to get a better look at him. The hologram’s skin was flushed an uneven pink across his chest, but the flashes of white mottled through it were inhumanly pale. Lister winced. “Rimmer, how long have you been…doing this?”</p><p>Rimmer’s head barely twitched when he spoke. “D-dunno. How long have I been in here?” He was set upon by another spasm, choking out a sob. “Please…I can’t…it hurts.”</p><p>Yeah, no shit. Lister wrinkled his nose. “What’s, u, what’s causing t?”</p><p>“There’s…it’s stuck.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“It’s stuck.”</p><p>“What’s stuck?”</p><p>“There’s…it’s…”</p><p>“Rimmer, if you don’t tell me what’s wrong, I can’t do anything for you.”</p><p>A rogue arm snapped forward, grabbing Lister by the longjohns and holding him firm. He stumbled forward, coming to a stop on his knees with his hands uncomfortably close to Rimmer’s crotch. “There’s a vibrator.” Rimmer said from between gritted teeth. “Stuck up my anus. And I cannot get it out. Help me.”</p><p>Vibrator up the arse. Right. Lister had never gotten round to trying that one out. Rimmer’s hand found his shoulder, gripping hard enough to bruise as he came yet again, and Lister couldn’t stop his curiosity from getting the better of him as he looked down at the hologram’s penis, spent and dry and unable to produce so much as a dribble of semen.</p><p>Yikes.</p><p>“I’m gonna go get Kryten.” Lister decided. He went to stand by Rimmer held him down.</p><p>“Like smeg you are. I’m not having his cold…metal…f-fat f-f-fingers up there after this. You can just reach up and pull it out.”</p><p>“You what?” Lister yelped, throwing Rimmer’s hand off his shoulder and stumbling to his feet, his long johns sticking uncomfortably to his front where they had been soaked from the shower. “I’m not sticking my fingers up your arse.”</p><p>“Won’t take long.” Rimmer pawed at Lister’s leg. “Please.”</p><p>“No way, man! That’s a third date special and no way do you qualify.”</p><p>“It’s n-not for sex!” Rimmer protested. “I just…can’t get the angle right.” He shivered, resting his head on Lister’s chin as his next orgasm washed over him.</p><p>“Smegging hell. Don’t do that on me!” Lister tried to kick Rimmer off him but he was no match for hard light super strength. Twitching, mouth flapping open, looking for something to say. You jammy git. Lister’s brain supplied, rather unhelpfully. Vibrator up the arse, just don’t lose it. Noted. So long as there was another vibrator on board that hadn’t been anywhere near Rimmer he was definitely going to be trying this out.</p><p>“I really think I should go get Kryten, he’s best at all this medical stuff.” Lister said.</p><p>Rimmer shook his head, pushing his nose into Lister’s leg. “I one- One hundred percent to not c-consent to droid fingers inside me. Or c-cat fingers.”</p><p>That left him and Kochanski. Lister thought about asking her, how clean and clinical she’d make everything. A pair of rubber gloves and her hand up inside Rimmer, making him shake and tremble as if he were her puppet. Lister didn’t like the idea one bit. “And who said I consented to sticking my fingers up inside you?”</p><p>“Please.” Rimmer’s head tipped back, dirty green eyes all but swallowed by blacked out pupils, his unruly curls plastered to his forehead by the water and his every muscle caught somewhere between tension and liquid. A very old memory remembered itself to Lister, back when they had first met and he had thought that his new bunkmate was pretty nice to look at, which had lasted until Second Technician Arnold Rimmer opened his mouth.</p><p>“Please don’t make me do this, Arn.”</p><p>“N-not Smegging. Kryten.”</p><p>And that pretty much just left Lister. “Alright, man. Smeg.” He ran a hand over his face, stunned at himself and already regretting capitulating to Rimmer’s demands. “Smegging hell. Fine. Where’s the lube you used to get it up there in the first place?”</p><p>Rimmer pointed to a squashed tube sitting at the far end of the shower, looking more like mis-squeezed toothpaste than a sex aid. Lister sighed, kicking off his boots like they weren’t already wet through from the shower and hanging back while Rimmer staggered to all fours, his arse tipped into the air and his arms shaking. He spluttered out another handful of moans and Lister watched, unenthused, as his penis twitched and wobbled, still trying to play a game it was long past losing.</p><p>Lister was pretty familiar with this end of male anatomy, but it was still a surprise to see how close Rimmer’s arse and knob were to one another. He approached cautiously, like the hologram was a particularly skittish deer and he the wildlife cameraman who didn’t want to miss the snowflakes melting on his eyelashes. He squeezed a generous glob of lube only his fingers and knelt down to better assess the situation.</p><p>To say Rimmer’s arsehole was gaping would have been an understatement. It was more like the Channel Tunnel. How anything could get up there and not immediately fall back out, Lister had no idea. But in the harsh lights of the bathroom he could see the tail end of something bright blue disappearing into the event horizon of Rimmer’s lower intestine. He places a cautious hand on Rimmer’s left arse cheek to hold him steady.</p><p>Rimmer responded by crying out like he’d been stabbed in the gut and coming hard enough that his arms collapsed and he whacked his chin on the shower floor.</p><p>Liser pulled back fast. “What the smeg?”</p><p>It took Rimer a minute before he could spit the words out, still shaking like a leaf. “Extra…stimulation. Hard to control.”</p><p>“I’m doin’ you a favour here but if you’re gonna cream your undies every time I touch you then-“</p><p>“Can’t help it.” Rimmer whined. “Please, be quick.”</p><p>On his second try Lister didn’t bother trying to hold Rimmer steady, he went straight for the prize, setting his fingers on their intended trajectory with his eyes closed.</p><p>He hadn’t had much cause to touch Rimmer’s new hard light skin since it was bestowed on him. When he had, it had felt nearly real, like a highly rendered computer game’s interpretation of what a person should feel like. Kind of like the girls Lister pawed over in the AR except less electric, more earthy. It was still a shock when he hooked his fingers over the lip of Rimmer’s anus and found him warm and pliant inside, just like a living person.</p><p>“Oh.” It was about the only thought Lister was able to process before Rimmer was clamping down hard on his fingers, shrieking bloody murder and pounding on the shower floor. “What?” Lister yelped. “That can’t have hurt. You’re-“ He stopped, watching the waves of Rimmer’s orgasm wash over him, trying to pretend that the sounds he was making and the fingers up his arse had no connection to one another.</p><p>Lister debated calling the whole thing off and letting Rimmer lie here till the battery on the vibrator wore out. Like Rimmer would do for him if the tables were turned. If he ever found out that this was some ploy Rimmer had set up to have Lister fiddle with his nadgers there would be hell to pay.</p><p>Not waiting for Rimmer to finish up, Lister pushed in further, immediately understanding why the vibrator was so hard to reach. The walls of Rimmer’s insides shuddered and constricted around him, new waves of muscle contractions starting up with every move he made. Gaping or not, when he came, Rimmer was tight. And he couldn’t stop coming. Lister’s fingers moved forward incrementally. He was soaked to his undies and his dreds were getting a wash he definitely hadn’t planned on giving them and of all the stupid shit he had had to do for Rimmer because there was no one else to do it this had to be the very worst.</p><p>When his fingers found the base of the vibrator, Lister et out a sigh of relief. “Nearly there.”</p><p>Rimmer was too far gone to care, sprawled on the shower floor and unspeaking beyond the stream of wordless noises pouring from his mouth. You had to feel at least a little jealous of the bastard. Even if it did start to hurt after a while, there had to be worse ways to be hurt than by semi-constant orgasm. Carefully, Lister tried to lock the end of the vibrator between two fingers. He pulled and it slipped away from him. Rimmer jerked forwards, muscles preternaturally tight and positively screamed.</p><p>The lube helped get his fingers where they needed to be but did absolutely nothing to help him take out his target. Lister pushed forward again but felt Rimmer push back against him. He stopped moving his fingers altogether and Rimmer ground back on him as earnestly as his body could muster.</p><p>“Cut that out!” Lister snapped. Rimmer gasped and cursed and his hips did little ore tan stutter in their movements. “You’re not supposed to be enjoying this. If you don’t stop, I’m gonna leave you to sort this out yerself.”</p><p>“Don’t stop.” Rimmer muttered. “Don’t.”</p><p>There was no way to get a good hold of the vibrator like this. Lister pulled his fingers free and helped Rimmer onto his back, reasoning that it would be harder for him to move his hips if they were stuck between Lister and the floor.</p><p>Rimmer lay starfished and pink on the plastic. His face completely slack and his eyes unseeing as they raked over the shower ceiling. “Listy-“</p><p>Lister winced. “You’re not thinking straight. Just lie back and don’t move.”</p><p>Rimmer managed to disregard the order entirely. No sooner had Lister gotten a finger back inside him, he was trying to twist on it, fighting the spasming of his body to keep Lister inside him. This was too smegging weird, Lister set his free hand on Rimmer’s belly and barked at him to keep still. Rimmer got a hand over his, pulling it up towards his nipples and making a noise like a wounded buffalo when Lister made contact.</p><p>“No!” Lister snatched his hand away. “Stop that.”</p><p>“Don’t stop.” Rimmer echoed. His face was perfectly blank and Lister felt a totally unearned bead of guilt trickle down his spine. Like Rimmer didn’t know where he was, or what he was doing, or what Lister was trying to accomplish here.</p><p>It was fractionally easier with Rimmer on his back. The angle Lister had to hold his fingers at was harder, but without Rimmer having to take his own body weight there was less disturbance when he came, which he seemed to be doing more or less constantly. Lister glanced down at his poor overstimulated penis and wondered how quickly it had run out of spunk.</p><p>When Lister found the vibrator again he didn’t bother trying to catch the tail end again, instead wriggling his fingers as far inside Rimmer as they could go, well aware that his rather stubby digits were unsuited for the task. If their roles were reversed, Rimmer would have gotten it out of him in a jiffy. This far in, Lister could feel the vibrations, could practically hear the buzz travelling back through his bones. The vibrator was stuck at such an angle that the part of it that did the work was actually up past Rimmer’s prostate, cascading pulses back towards more sensitive areas.</p><p>Lister knew the vibrator wasn’t directly massaging Rimmer’s prostate, because he managed to hit the nub of nerves himself, completely by accident. Rimmer screamed, his limbs pulling tight, toes curling, head thrashing, trying to launch himself off the floor. “Oh God…oh God…”</p><p>“I’m not God.” Lister barked back at him. “Shut up!”</p><p>“That’s-“ Rimmer’s voice was loud enough to wake the dead.</p><p>Lister lurched forward and plastered his free hand over the hologram’s mouth. “C’mon, man. Please be quiet.”</p><p>Rimmer’s breath was hot and desperate against his palm, his eyes finally focusing on Lister’s face as he struggled into an upright position. He nodded, but was still grunting out something unsuitable for polite company beneath Lister’s hand.</p><p>“You make a noise like that again and you’re gonna attract attention.” Lister explained. Keeping a hand on Rimmer’s mouth and another wedged up his arsehole was a logistical nightmare.</p><p>Rimmer leaned up and pressed his forehead against Lister’s, nodding just once.</p><p>“Okay?” Lister cautiously removed his hand, but Rimmer caught his little finger between his teeth, growling low and teasing the pad with his tongue.</p><p>Lister winced. Not at all. Not even slightly. Not even if he actually wanted to shag Rimmer would he let the guy get to him in this state. “You see what you’re doing there, with the finger. You know what’s gonna happen with that?”</p><p>Rimmer shook his head.</p><p>“Tomorrow, or later today, or however long it takes you to sleep this off, you’re gonna remember that you did this and you’re gonna hate yourself for it.” There was a whole lot of doubt in Rimmer’s eyes that Lister had no interest in, especially not when the tongue lapped at his finger again. “I’m serious.” He barked. “Stop it.”</p><p>Reluctantly, Rimmer opened his mouth and let Lister’s finger go free. He fell back hard enough that, if he were capable of getting a concussion, Lister might have been worried for him.</p><p>Trying as best as he could to avoid touching Rimmer’s prostate again, Lister dug his fingers back into position next to the vibrator. Rimmer continued to shudder and moan like they were the only two people on the ship, his legs twitching erratically, almost kicking Lister’s legs out from under him.</p><p>Without thinking, Lister grabbed at Rimmer’s foot, rubbing circles into the arch like his nan used to do when he was throwing a tantrum as a kid. Always calmed him right down. Rimmer, however, was unable to process any physical sensation beyond the erogenous. His back arched high off the floor and he only just managed to get a fist in his mouth to mute himself before he was once again coming with all the force of the asteroid that had wiped Newcastle off the map. When the worst of the spasms passed he looked up at Lister with a mixture of reverence and offence, clearly unimpressed at having discovered the sexual possibilities of his feet in a communal shower with a colleague.</p><p>“Right.” Lister muttered, moving his hand from Rimmer’s foot and pushing on with grim determination. Rimmer had had two dozen orgasms in his presence already, one more was nothing t worry about. Beneath his fingers, the head of the vibrator flared out, the underside rippled with ridges that gave even his lubed up fingers some purchase. This was it, if this didn’t work he was out of ideas. “Here goes nothing.”</p><p>Lister locked his fingers tight around the vibrator and pulled. At first it seemed to lock in place and he tried not to panic, paying as little attention as possible to what the rest of Rimmer was doing until a particularly violent jerk shifted the holograms position well enough to set the vibrator free and after that it would have been a job keeping it inside him. Rimmer’s body, entirely spent, wanted nothing more to do with the thing, and proceeded to push it out with force alongside Lister’s fingers.</p><p>It was bright blue, coated in rubber, and barely wider than his thumb. Lister wrinkled his nose and tossed it to the other side of the shower, where it sat buzzing ominously at the both of them.</p><p>“Is…is it…?” Rimmer was still twitching, the heat pouring off his surface enough to toast marshmallows on. His mouth hung open, his limbs useless and pliant around him, too worn out and overstimulated to do anything but lie prone on the floor.</p><p>“Yeah.” Lister staggered to his feet, knees cracking wildly as he did, and rushed over to the sink to upend most of the bottle of antibacterial soap over every inch of exposed skin. The door to the shower room was still wide open, practically begging someone to saunter in and draw all the wrong conclusions about what the two of them had been up to.</p><p>It took Rimmer a good five minutes to ride out the last of whatever orgasm was still tickling his nerves, leaving his breathing so erratic that if he had been made of flesh and blood Lister would have worried that he was at risk of a heart attack. “I’m…I…” Rimmer’s mouth flapped uselessly.</p><p>“Yeah.” Lister looked down at his soaked and rapidly chilling clothes. It wasn’t like he was going to get any drier on the way back to his bunk. So he sloshed his way back to Rimmer and pulled him into the corner, just out of the spray of the shower. Rimmer’s head settled on his chest and the rest of him fell between Lister’s splayed legs.</p><p>“I think…” Rimmer tried one more time to speak, before passing out in a rush.</p><p>Lister looked down at him, then looked around the room. People needed time to themselves on Starbug. No one would come looking for them unless it was an emergency. So he let his head fall back against the wall and tried very hard to forget that he now knew what Rimmer sounded like when he came.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He was wet. Positively Soaked. There was water trickling between his toes. Rimmer’s first thought was that he must have passed out in the bath again, which he had done just the once as a child. Upon which time he had promptly lost all his Biggles books to a freak wood chipper accident that his father assured him wouldn’t happen again so long as he didn’t flood the bathroom anymore. He jumped awake, eager to resolve the problem before it could get out of hand, but immediately regretted becoming conscious. There was a sharp pain radiating out from the back of his head where it felt like a lump the size of Titus was forming. He wasn’t sure he much liked the pain aspect of hard light.</p><p>With his eyes open he could see that he was not, in fact, in the bath. He was in what looked like the shower bay just off the cargo hold on Starbug. He felt as exhausted as if he’d just run ten marathons and there was an ache in his lower back that felt like it went deeper than his coccyx.</p><p>He was also naked. Which made sense, given that he was in the shower.</p><p>“Holly?” He mumbled, before remembering that the computer was back on Red Dwarf and they were now cursed to answer their own questions.</p><p>The thing he was leaned up against turned out to not be the wall, and it shifted and stretched beneath him. Rimmer dragged himself upright, looking down in horror at Third Technician Dave Lister, just waking from a shower snooze and clad in a filthy, sodden set of men’s long underwear. “Why are-“</p><p>“S’fine.” Lister’s voice was heavy as he pulled Rimmer back down against his chest. “C’mere.”</p><p>“What are you doing?” Rimmer snapped, though he was far too tired to put up a decent fight.</p><p>“I’m being nice! Being a mate.” Lister shot back indignantly. His voice rumbled through his chest, buzzing against Lister’s ear. “Figured you’d need one after all that.”</p><p>“I don’t need <em>mates</em>.”</p><p>“Y’know, you’re making it dead hard for me to be properly sympathetic to you.”</p><p>Rimmer scowled at no one in particular and looked down towards his feet. His legs, long and lean and bare lay alongside Lister’s stubby clothed ones.</p><p>Clothed. Naked. Rimmer suddenly felt rather ill. “Lister, I order you to tell me why-“</p><p>“Give it a minute. It’ll come back to you.” Lister assured him.</p><p>The last thing he remembered was folding his clothes, setting them on top of the toilet and climbing into the shower. Holograms didn’t need to shower but he missed the sensation of it and wanted to see if the pseudo showers Holly had provided him could hold a candle to the real thing. He’d also thought it would be a good place to try out-</p><p>The flush of heat rising to his cheeks would have been enough to power a small neutron reactor. He had…and then Lister…and they…</p><p>“Oh God.” Rimmer hissed.</p><p>“It’s fine. It’ll be a funny story soon enough.” Lister drawled.</p><p>“But you…” Rimmer reached down to cover his crotch, uncomfortably aware of how exposed he was.</p><p>Lister snorted. “Nothing I haven’t seen before. Up close but not quite personal.”</p><p>It would have been better that Lister leave him to shiver and claw his way back to the waking world by himself. “Oh, of course you have to be nice about it.” Rimmer sneered “Can’t even let me be suitably embarrassed in my own time. You really are a total-“</p><p>“You bit my finger.” Lister cut him off, nudging Rimmer in the side.</p><p>He had been in the middle of the most intense orgasm of his life, desperate for his body to stop jerking and pleasing and wanting things from him, and he had looked up to see Lister pressing a hand to his mouth and urging him to be quiet. And just for a second, Rimmer had thought that maybe the transaction didn’t have to be so one-sided.”</p><p>He bit Lister’s finger. He’d sucked on it and tried to get Lister to touch his nipples. He had tried to seduce the most disgusting man in the universe.</p><p>And he had been in a vulnerable position and susceptible to flights of fancy and very, very horny and Lister had just touched his prostate and these were all fantastic reasons to give into a moment of madness. But the thought battering on the walls of his skull, the one that had him curling a hand into a fist and shoving it into his mouth, teeth lining up with the bite marks he had given himself when he tried to keep quiet as he came for the one hundredth goited time, was ‘I am such a smeghead’.</p><p>“Told you.” Lister said, smugly.</p><p>Rimmer responded with his best self-pitying whine.</p><p>They lay in the shower for another half hour, till Rimmer remembered the faucets had been running long enough to use up a month’s worth of water and demanded they be switched off.</p><p>“It’ll all go to recyc anyway.” Lister assure him, offering a hand to help Rimmer up.</p><p>Standing was hard. Rimmer’s legs felt like regurgitated jelly on a bouncy castle. He was very grateful that Lister didn’t say a thing about it when he had to lean on the stupid little man’s shoulder all the way over to his clothes. Or when he needed some help climbing into his trousers.</p><p>“Don’t forget this.” Lister pushed a parcel of disintegrated toilet paper into Rimmer’s hand.</p><p>The paper peeled back slowly to reveal the vibrator in all its obnoxious blue glory. Stupid smegging thing. Rimmer couldn’t even remember where he got it, just that he should definitely have heeded the warning on the packaging that said it wasn’t suitable for anal use.</p><p>Before he could say a word about it, Lister was away back out into the cargo hold, dripping water from his soaked long johns with every step and chuckling to himself. “Lister!” Rimmer barked, valiantly ignoring how hard he was blushing as he tucked the vibrator into the back pocket of his trousers where he hoped it would go unnoticed until he could throw it in a rubbish pod.</p><p>He was so focused on trying to catch up with his lousy underling technician that he didn’t even notice the broken access panel on the bathroom door.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Is this porn? Is this just a stupid accident that happens to be horny? You decide</p><p>Comments are love! Come find me on <a href="https://jeffersonhairpie.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a> and <a href="https://twitter.com/rixywrites">twitter</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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